“We Need To Talk:” How To Handle Tough Conversations
During a recent workshop with top-level executives, I was asked, “What were some of the best practices in handling tough conversations, even those that potentially might become contentious?” This isn’t the first time this topic has come up with clients and as we collectively continue to move the dial on what it means to be a “leader.” I suspect it won’t be the last. So, I want to share with you what I offer when this comes up:
Having tough conversations can be challenging, and requires courage, patience, and empathy, but it also comes down to how you communicate. In Steven Covey’s book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People,” habit #5 is “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” It’s the “seek first to understand” part that is most important. How do you communicate in a way that seeks to understand? It involves both verbal and non-verbal skills. Here are four best practices:
1) “Intentional listening:'' Also known as active listening, intentional listening is an important non-verbal skill. Let the speaker know that you hear them, and understand what they are sharing with you by validating their ideas, perspectives, and feelings. Showing empathy and creating a safe environment for the communication to continue—whether you agree or disagree with them at the moment— is a way to connect on a deeper level, ensuring that concerns are being acknowledged, even if they’re not reciprocated. This shows understanding and patience. Avoid interrupting or formulating responses in your mind while they are speaking. Most people, when acting as if they are listening, are often doing so with the intent to respond, not to understand. Every human being wants to feel as if they are seen and heard. Patience may also mean stepping away and revisiting the issue when all parties can be fully present and approach the conversation from a problem-solving perspective.
2) Do your best to stay calm and composed: As hard as it may be, especially if the person you are listening to is very angry, tense, or emotional, take a deep breath, regulate your emotions, speak with a calm voice, and respond thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively. Do your best to keep the conversation focused on the issue at hand and avoid personal attacks. Treat the other person with respect and dignity, use “I” statements, and, when possible, be clear on the timeline of the next steps so that there are defined milestones toward a resolution or continuance of the conversation.
3) Ask open-ended questions to explore the other person's perspective: Encourage them to offer solutions or suggestions. Look for common ground and areas of agreement and when there are none, be clear about your boundaries or limitations. No one likes to hear “no” but sometimes it can help to create understanding when certain demands can not be met. The most clarifying question you can ask, even if subconsciously, is “Why?” To understand someone’s motivations, fears and perspective is to understand them as a whole person.
4) If possible, be open to compromise: Consider different viewpoints, aim for a resolution that respects both parties needs and concerns, and if a compromise is not possible, have the courage to be as transparent as you can with why compromise is not an option.
Having tough conversations is a part of business in almost any industry. It's important to approach them with a genuine intention to understand, and resolve conflicts. When you seek first to understand, and handle tough conversations thoughtfully, you are demonstrating leadership, both for yourself and your team or organization, and are far more likely to achieve a positive outcome, more often than not.
Still need support in navigating tough conversations? Our expert-level communications team would love to help in providing customized options with 1:1 or group coaching sessions. Email us at info@lizbrunner.comto begin exploring your next chapter in leadership and team-building.
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